The Midweek Marshamallow: Internets pt 2

Hello again,

I know I’ve done this before, but I just can’t ignore the fact that people keep ending up on my blog after typing in very unusual Google search terms. Google searches that really shouldn’t be bringing them here.

I suppose that I should really be using these terms as a guide. I’m obviously not giving the people what they want.

*Sigh* Let’s give this a bash, shall we? *INITIATE FEEDBACK MODE*

1.  “Sparkly capsules poop confetti”

Um. I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and ask your inner-being whether this was what you wanted out of life. Is this the person you wanted to become? Do you feel as though you have been utilizing your time well? I hope this response has helped you find what it is you were “searching” for. ie: Not sparkly poop.

2. “Famous people scratching crotch”


Enough? Not enough? More?

3. “Naked hairy man from Honduras”

Screen Shot 2014-03-13 at 5.08.53 PM

big foot

You’re welcome.




Desperately seeking comfort food?

Hello there, everyone.

Well, more specifically, hello to all the single people out there.

I know that you are not really looking forward to Valentine’s day this year, and I know that the love-bird parades fluttering about the whole day are going to make your gag-reflexes kick in. But don’t worry, you’re not alone in this.

If you are not looking forward to a day alone, I have managed to rustle up a few suggestions to make this day a little easier (and simultaneously more sad) for the single gal/fella out there.

1. A Boyfriend pillow.

bf pillow

Look at that manly arm! Find this hunk for sale on Amazon. Also available in girlfriend material. (Haha – See what I did there?)

2. A cardboard cut-out of Jon Hamm

jon hamm

This lady has got it right! Papercuts aside, this date is wonderful company and easily stowed away when not in use.

3. Microwave dinners for one


Sonia really looks like she knows how get the party started. Oh boy.

4. This musical compilation

On a serious note: Beyonce made millions of dollars singing about being single. (Nevermind that fact that she wasn’t actually single at the time). Grab a box of chocolates and stay in for a Community/New Girl/Super Fun Night marathon.  The single life ain’t that bad y’all.



5 Things I’ve learnt from Phil Dunphy

Nerdy dad, embarrassing husband or weird son-in-law?

None of the above! Modern Family’s Phil Dunphy is an uplifting voice and a carrier of the odd and down-trod as they make their way through their awkward years. (ie: Entire lives.) This man is not just the perfect mix of uncomfortable situations and comic timing, but also the teacher we all needed in high school – filled with life lessons that others were too scared to teach us.

Behold! The 5 Things I’ve learnt from Phil Dunphy:

1. Never leave anyone hanging.


Now, I obviously, very seriously mean that high-fives should never be left hanging…. but I also mean that people should never be left hanging. If someone tries to offer you their friendship, never shun it without good reason. (ie: They are a murderer, a cheater, don’t like the Harry Potter series.) Don’t judge them at first glance or become afraid that you won’t look “cool”. I guarantee you that the friends you make hesitantly will last far longer than those whose attention you fought to get.

2. Completely immerse yourself in everything you do.


If you want to do something; focus your energy and fully commit yourself to it. (I’m guilty of forgetting to do this.) Never do anything halfheartedly, because Phil wouldn’t dare. He does everything with immense conviction and an embarrassingly large amount of drive.

3. DIY metaphors make the world go ’round.


My mother always shakes her head at me when I pull out my obscure metaphors. I don’t care. If it helps me understand life and all the other stuff in-between, then imma keep doing it. Because a life without bad metaphors is like Beverly Hills 90210 without Jason Priestly.

4. Being part of a “fandom” does not make you weird.


I was a member of a Harry Potter fan club in Primary school. Yes, this actually counted as an extra mural. And no, we didn’t just sit around reading. We played Quidditch y’all! Never once, have I ever felt the need to cover up that potentially embarrassing story. Sometimes, when you like something, you like it A LOT. This is called “fandom” aka “The most fun you’ll ever have geeking out.” It is the imaginary kingdom where friends are made. (The kingdom is imaginary, the friends are real.)

5. It’s OK to be over-dramatic sometimes.


I have a penchant for being slightly over-dramatic sometimes. As a budding actress during my childhood and a wannabe writer as a young adult, I am now left with, what I call, story-teller magic. This magic can be misused (Note: People falling asleep during your shitty stories.), but it can be used for good. Good story-tellers make fantastic party-guests, great friends, and ultimately, kick-ass grandparents. It’s a great quality to have, if used correctly. So embellish the crap out of your next story, and indulge in the need to take a bow at the end.



The Midweek Marshmallow: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

We’ve all heard this stupid, stupid joke – which is apparently an example of “anti-humour”, where a traditional punchline is expected, but an obvious statement is relayed instead. But what if this joke has always been, in fact, a traditional joke, but no one has been smart enough to get it?

My genius little sister (Whose thoughts and internet meanderings can be found here and here) had a sudden realization the other day. “To get to the other side” has always been a traditional punchline. I’m sure some people have actually seen it that way – but I can assure you that a large percentage of the population are now going to have their minds blown.

(According to 
"cross over to the other side" 
to die; pass away.

chicken*Car screeches to a halt*

Yes. Yes, I know.


You are very welcome.



Christmas Adventuring Day 2

Hi there London.

2nd day of being in your lovely presence, and I have to say, you are quite delightful.
Even though today was wet and our umbrellas flung themselves inside out, we managed to cover a lot of ground. Shakespeare’s globe had us calling each other smelly mountain goats the whole day, then we appreciated the modern art of Tate’s. (Though some of it I didn’t quite “get”. – See below)

Now we’re off to see some more Christmas lights!



Never will I regret a day more than the time I told my colleagues that I once cried while watching Michael Jackson’s Earth Song music video. (The looks of judgement I received were more than enough to keep me from revealing how many Celine Dion albums I actually owned.)  This is the confession that has haunted me relentlessly over the past few months, and I think it will continue to do so, for the rest of my life. Thank you female hormones for putting me in this uncomfortable position, yet again.

But come on, people!? The elephant just got right up again at the end?!




These are a few of my favourite… rap lyrics


Rap music is not something you’d ordinarily find on my iPod, nor blaring out the speakers of my car. As a matter of fact, I’ve found that separating my Breezys from my Weezys, is not a task that I find too eezy. (See what I did there?)

However, being a writer, I can definitely appreciate the mind-blowing amount of time it takes to put together a song’s-worth of witty and sharp rhymes.

I am utterly confounded though, when producers allow lyrics of a rather ridiculous nature to actually make it into the recording studio.

So, for your amusement, I’ve compiled a list of my favourite facepalm-worthy rap lyrics. (Aren’t you lucky?)

1. “Haterz get mad cuz I got me some Bathin’ Apes.” – Soulja Boy

At first, I could only assume that Soulja Boy was talking about his haters becoming consumed by jealousy over the thought of his shower being filled with primates. I have since discovered that Bathing Apes are, in fact, a Japanese sneaker brand. Go figure.

2. “I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian. – Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian.” – Chingy

I appreciate your openness and worldly tolerance, Chingy. Thank goodness Japan and China are not in Asia though, or these lyrics would be pretty redundant… Oh wait.

3. “Never let me slip, cause if I slip, then I’m slippin’” – Dr Dre

Uh… So are you saying that it totally slipped your mind that something slippery made you slip, while you were wearing a silk slip?

4. “Watch out for the medallion. My diamonds are reckless. Feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace.” – Ludacris

Christopher. Brian. Bridges.

It is frowned upon for people to “wear” little people as jewelry, or even suggest that it is possible.

5. “Dear Mr. Toilet. I am the sh*t. Got these haters p**sed, cause my toilet paper thick” – Lil Wayne

I’m all for a good metaphor, but I feel like this one may be lost on me. If Lil Wayne is, for lack of a better word, “the doo-doo” then why would he be so pleased about his toilet paper being so indestructible? Surely in the world of toilet humour – toilet paper is the arch-nemesis of poop? *Sigh* So confusing.

I wish I did enjoy rap music more. I feel like it could help me out with my obvious lack of street-cred. I guess I could just get a grill like Miley, some knuckledusters, and a face-tattoo instead? Yeah?